These past few months I’ve seen my fair few bars, cafes, restaurants, shops and street sellers. Gemma’s seen some too, but probably less because my friends, I am a gentleman. I’m also quite clever. This makes me an intelli-gent. See? I told you I was clever.

Anyway, unfortunately Gemma’s also quite indecisive. So before I go to order, when I ask her what she wants, she always replies “surprise me!”

A warning: If Gemma says “surprise me” to you, don’t believe her. Here’s a list of things you’d best not surprise Gemma with, believe me:

1. Green tea – If Gemma says “surprise me” in a coffee shop, she wants a coffee. Apparently this offense is even worse if you already know she doesn’t like ANY tea.
2. Coca tea – If Gemma says “surprise me” in a coffee shop, she wants a coffee. But I think I’ve said that.
3. Anything with Gin in – This is the ultimate surprise for Gemma because it makes her sick. It is a bit, but only a bit, funny.
4. Tarantulas – Alive or dead this will make Gemma frown. And if you laugh and wave it in her face it just gets worse.
5. Ants mixed with an otherwise perfectly good beef dish – “What?” I hear you exclaim “Who wouldn’t want ants mixed with an otherwise perfectly good beef dish?!” Well exactly. And I agree. But Gemma doesn’t seem to consider this ‘good food’.
6. A cup of breakfast tea – If Gemma says “surprise me” in a coffee shop, she wants a… well, you know.

Now to be fair, Gemma has actually tried everything on the above list, which is more than many would do (especially those scared of spiders) so fair play to her. However, I would argue a surprise should be surprising – like a spider, a drink I know she doesn’t like or simply nothing at all whilst I enjoy two meals… Now that would be surprising!

I suppose really I should just get her a cup of coffee. But that would be to do the opposite of what she’s asking, and I just couldn’t do that to her. It’s not in my intelli-genes.

God I’m clever.